random thoughts~

Nothing can stop me from changing myself so that you love me.

But you still wouldn’t be loving ME.

Because now, I’m not really myself now am I?

oh gosh what is wrong with me.
I'm dead tired and all I want to do is sleep.
but as much as I am tired,
I'm scared to fall asleep.

why am I not surprised
even the dog comes before me.

sleeping

Sometimes, I don't want to sleep.

Because sleep is where all our thoughts come alive,

and I don't want certain thoughts I try to keep away during the day to haunt me as I try to go to bed.

Fact 1:

So yes I am a child of god, I'm kinda glad I was born into a Christian family.

Although their current lifestyles may not let them come to church with me, at least they believe (well with the exception of my sister).

Anyway, I think I'm lucky to have him in my life for I know I'm never alone.

Despite having my faith falter slightly when I was in my primary school years, I think I was very fortunate cause in a way, I think he had planned out everything for me.

Even if it did mean having to go to St Margaret's.

Sometimes I think I will have learnt most of my important lessons in this school. It was a tough first few years but with him and with the friends I've been blessed with, I know I'll make it too. Looking back, I think I'm very fortunate that things turned out like this, with a great church and stuff, especially knowing that I didn't really understand or enjoy my previous one.

So I guess yeah I really am lucky to be one, knowing that there's always him to turn to and that he's there for us and loved us so much he sent his son down.

And though sometimes we may wonder why things happen and ask ourselves "WHY ME", maybe you just gotta get a step back and think that maybe it's part of his greater plan!

100 Facts

In honor of my boredom and the TT #100factsaboutme i shall do a spam, and then following this, I shall pick a fact everyday and do a post about it because I'm running out of things to talk about.

1. I'm a child of god, and proud of it.

2. I'd pretty much eat anything if it had cheese on it.

3. I want a stuffed frog and I'd name him flame.

4. I respect your opinion on something, but if it insults someone else's then I'm sorry all my respect has gone down the drain.

5. Sometimes, I feel like I was forced to grow up and I had my childhood taken away from me.

6. My favourite colours are (in order of preference): orange, green, pearlescent blue, yellow, blue and purple

7. For my sixteenth birthday, I just want the day to go well. I will ask for nothing more.

8. I get jealous, easily.

9. When I see people cry, I want to cry too. I'm an emotional wreck, I know.

10. I hope to see myself in Columbia's graduating class of 2017. (If the world still exists)

11. My favourite number is 11.

12. My favourite song of the moment: In my room - SHINee

13. My motto? If you're gonna watch and judge, don't watch.

14. As much as I love Fernando Alonso, I want Kimi Raikkonen back.

15. I feel like Alex Rodriguez let me down, though I don't personally know him..... ^^

16. Biggest fear in life: that I'll die with a regret.

17. Second greatest fear in life: that I'll die alone.

18. Although I love reading, if I start to hate the plot line halfway through, nothing in the world will cause me to read it finish UNLESS it's for school.

19. I fall sick, a lot. And it pisses me off.

20. I get paranoid when people don't reply my texts.

21. I don't like it when someone reads my texts unless you were part of the conversation or I've given you permission to read them.

22. I'm mostly a really happy person, but when I emo, boy do I get depressed.

23. If I could, I'd buy the yankees team.

24. My dream car is a BMW Z4 and a Ferrari F3 (an Audi A8 would be nice too)

25. I can't decide between my favourite TV shows, it's a toss between Friends and NCIS.

26. I cried when I walked into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

27. My favourite book ever is Home Truths by Freya North

28. My favourite series is the Harry Potter series

29. J.K Rowling is my queen, we need to acknowledge that.

30. I overeact. A LOT.

31. Just about everytime I read Quasimodo's lyrics, my heart wants to shatter into a billion pieces.

32. My favourite quote is by Lady Gaga: "Well, that's your opinion isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time changing it"

33. I think Helena Bonham Carter is AMAZING, as an actress and person.

34. Everytime I see a white Suzuki, my heart starts to race.

35. There are two things that can calm me down: First, my favourite perfume - LOVE ETC. and Secondly, Choi Minho's smile.

36. I feel like I'm never a good enough friend to anyone.

37. Crying and praying always makes me feel better.

38. I love Famous Amos Cookies.

39. I crave Shilin Chicken everytime I'm in Harbourfront.

40. Sometimes, I think I might crack under all the stress.

41. I feel that there's no point in getting married if there's divorce after 2 weeks of marriage. Isn't it about till death do us part? Who changed the vows?

42. I want Son Ga In's body and face and hair. I'd just want to keep my height (:

43. Taylor Swift was the person I've heard live, sound the best.

44. My favourite bible verses are Psamls 121: 2-3.

45. If I could pick anywhere to go to right now, it'd either be New York or Seoul.

46. My favourite vitamin water flavours are XXX and essential.

47. My classes from Primary 1 to Sec 4 have been: 1/4, 2/4, 3C, 4Grace, 5Joy, 6Patience, 1e5, 2e4, 3e5, 4e5.

48. When I'm bored, I edit photos.

49. I am currently using an iPhone 4.

50. I keep a planner with a schedule that is planned out according to each event. I mostly do follow it, with exceptions.

51. I have a talent for finding out news as soon as it comes out, maybe it's just coincidental but I like to think of it as a talent!

52. I like my blog name. I created it because I liked the idea of my thoughts as monsters.

53. My tumblr URL is hoggy-warts. I thought it was a pretty cool HP related name~

54. Procrastination is my way of life, and I think that needs to be changed REALLY soon.

55. I want Minho to come back on Dream Team, as much I do want him to have his rest :/

56. I really do feel like I spent my childhood wanting to grow up, but now as a Teenager, the only thing I want is to be a child again.

57. I realised I fall for the same type of look: dark hair that is either spikey or long(like shoulder, it's awkward if it's in between), huge smile and thick eyebrows. He somehow seems to have greenish blue or brown eyes. never black or like hazel or smthing :/

58. My light switch says "Lumos" on the top and "Nox" on the bottom.

59. I don't like treating regrets as something I wish I hadn't done, I prefer to treat them as lessons~

60. On my file, it says "Avada Kedavra"

61. I am currently confused as to which episode of Adam Couple I am watching on We Got Married, because I worked my way back, skiped to the middle and now I'm starting from the beginning.

62. My cork board has: Tickets to my school concerts last year, tickets to iron man, a ten dollar bill from Church Camp 2010, newprints with Jo, XT and C, post-its that say "crucio", "do you work now, procrastination kills" and "Columbia 2013", Valentine's day notes from A and YX, a get well soon card and a good luck note from WY.

63. My favourite restaurant is Morton's.

64. I don't know if you feel the same way about me as I do about you, ever since that conversation two years ago, I don't know anything anymore.

65. Sometimes I read our old conversations and I cry, because at that time, I know I meant differntly to you.

66. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, because God has it all planned out for us, as so long as we make the right choices, it's all in his hands (:

67. The person I miss the most right now? TGPS. One of the few people who understand every thought.

68. I want to have three kids when I grow up, a pair of fraternal twins (one boy and one girl) and I wanna adopt a kid.

69. If I could, I'd live of Hot Dogs and Chilli Cheese fries.

70. I know God will take care of everything, no matter how crappy I feel. It's the one thing I tell myself when all seems at lost.

71. I personally think if Im not judging you on what you like, why judge me on what I like?

72. I wish my future name could somehow be Amelia Choi-Lautner-Efron

73. I hope to get into ACJC, if I can actually get into top 20 speakers of division 2.

74. I realised that I eat more when I'm at home compared to if I'm out with people. I think I eat out of boredom basically~

75. I'd much rather stay at home with my laptop or phone then go out and watch a movie/shop.

76. I prefer salty over sweet ANYDAY.

77. My biggest pet peeve is airport security.

78. I can't stand public transport, soley because Singaporeans are ignorant souls.

79. I don't like the shape of my nails.

80. Impatience, I think is one of my worst habits. However, I'm still learning, give me sometime...

81. My all time favourite band is Queen, Freddie Mercury will always be missed.

82. I thought I loved you, but then again I think I was in love with the idea of you, and now I never know if I love someone the right way because of this.

83. My current favourite artiste are Taylor Swift, SHINee and Demi Lovato

84. I sent Zac Efron a package of Calvin Klein boxers for his 21st birthday.

85. I want to be a journalist when I grow up.

86. I either want to major in journalism/mass communications/english when I get into university

87. When I sleep less, I'm high the first few hours after I initially wake up. But after 4-5 hours, I crash and burn.

88. I laugh everytime I key in my pin number

89. Converse shoes are my thing, I have eight pairs. Well three are broken...so technically five.

90. I want to learn how to skate board.

91. When I'm up on a high building or something that is way above the ground, I don't have a fear of looking down, I have a fear of looking up.

92. If I'm not too lazy, I'll blow dry my hair as straight as it can possibly get without the use of a flat iron.

93. I actually enjoy reading poetry, because it feels almost as if somone wrote down my thoughts for me.

94. Actually, I don't like it when anyone judges me because I like/do something based on how they see others who have liked/done the same thing.

95. I can tolerate nonsense pretty well, probably because I exert so much of it.

96. During that time of the month, I always crave the same thing - KitKats. So you probably now know why you'll see me eating 5 in one day.

97. One thing I absolutely cannot stand is being hungry and not knowing what I want to eat.

98. I'm that person who, despite having already gone to the fridge earlier, still goes to check if there's some real food to eat in it 5 minutes later.

99. I actually might consider deleting my twitter if everyone from facebook moves onto it...

100. I think one of the best feelings in the world, is proving someone wrong.

today's ride home was pretty interesting.
I was left with my thoughts when my phone died, leaving me without a place to escape to.
so what's a girl to do?
eavesdrop on the coversations of different groups of people.
I know it's bad, but it was pretty interesting hearing about the lives of different people.
three stood out really clearly, because what they said showed me a completely different picture then what merely met my eyes.
firstly, was a pair of guys.
they obviously didn't know each other but one asked the other why the large bag of art supplies,
and the guy responded with how he loved to go out and just draw the world the way he saw it.
he took some out to show the other and obviously u couldn't help but take a peak.
it was AMAZING.
his colours and sketches were beatiful and abstract, drawn the way he and maybe only a few others would understand the world to be
and looking at him in his shabby clothes, you'd never expect him to be educated or talented like this
secondly were these two women.
they too probably had just gotten acquainted earlier tonight, they were talking about their lives
and how they met their husbands and all that cool adulthood conversation topics.
it was cool to actually listen to their stories, because again they made me re-think how I saw people based on how they dress.
these two were in tight, attractive clothing and all I could think was "wow, how much more wrong could I be about these women?"
it was interesting to really find out about them.
the last pair were a couple.
they were a gay couple, and it was the first time I had seen one up close in Singapore.
it was interesting to see how they interacted just like your average couple,
although they attracted some attention for their voices, dressing and actions, it was one of te cutest things I had ever seen.

maybe we should all re-consider before making judgements.

i see them flying

and i'm proud of it.

sophie said this in the chrysalids about spiderman.

about how she's not ashamed to be in love with him despite his abnormalties.

and i think we should all be proud of what or who we love,

no matter what others think.

as so long as you love it, who really cares what other people think?

YOU MATTER.

don't let someone tell you otherwise.

i miss you, and i want you back in my life.

but i can't have that.

the mistake we both made, i don't know how to undo them.

i won't judge anymore, i learnt my lesson.

if only.

if only i knew that that day was the last day i would have seen you.

i would have stayed longer, i would have cherished the hug more.

i would have hung onto your words so much harder.

if only is such a sad pair of words.

it means thinking about the possibilities, if you've done something different.

i would have done so many things differently.

but that way i can't learn, we learn from our mistakes.

if we never made them, we would have never known the possible outcomes of doing certain things.

it's the only way we'll ever learn.

i would have done so many things differently if i knew this is how it'd end up

but as i think, i dont know how im suppose to learn from this

the air

am i just some space occupier?

waiting to help you fill the emptiness of your heart?

am i nothing more than that?

not worth anything at all?

oh i see, just something you can get rid of once you find something better.

only when you lose it, then my return will be come crucial to you.

you won't need me as so long as someone else who is means more to you can fill the space.

i'll be left forgotten to one side,

to collect dust and let the memories fade,

until once again like an old toy, when needed, i shall finally be found again to help you occupy that hole.

am i really nothing to you but a something to fill the empty air?

why is it always me who's left with that role

Do you ever feel that sometimes, you're just not good enough?

not good enough for someone?

not a good enough friend?

sibling?

daughter/son?

christian?

person?

is it pathetic that I feel that way just about every second of my life?

Our future

Today the church got some bad news, we were being asked to shift.

Of course I felt sad and when it was announced, I could feel the whole mood of resonate just plummet.

But, I wasn't afraid.

Because I know that God will provide and all things will become good in the end.

He has a plan for all of us, and at first we may not understand his actions, but they work out eventually.

It may just take a while to see it!

The saying "Everything happens for a reason", you may hate it but it's the truth.

There's always a reason as to why things happen, and sometimes we don't see it till we take a step back and just observe the big picture.

I think people being people, just assume the worst in a situation.

Something bad happens "Oh crap, I'm gonna die. AHHHHHH" But I don't feel worried about my future anymore becuase I know that as so long as I put in my best efforts, everything will work out in the end because now it's all in God's hands and whatever happens just happens.

I have choices that he's laid out for me and I know with his help, I'll make the right one.

We shouldn't be afraid of what challenges we face ahead because we're not alone, he's with us the entire way.

We may not know it or realise it but he is.

Just like the poem about God on a journey with a person and she looks back to see that the most difficult times in her life, there was only one imprint in the sand and when she asked God why he wasn't there for her, he replied "Child, it is at those times where I carried you."

I love that poem a lot, because it just re-assures my faith that he will be there with me no matter what the situation, circumstance or how horrible a person I am.

He's there, so the future is nothing to be worried about (:

judge of all

I think the world does one thing best:

It judges

I know it's human nature to see a woman walk down the street in a tight skirt and immediately think, "oh, slut"

But sometimes, I just find myself taking a step back and looking at everything and saying, "No, I can't make that statement."

Why?

Because maybe, as I make a judgement on someone purely based on the way they're dress, that person is looking at me and making her own thoughts.

It's not wrong, it's natural, but I think it's something that we can stop and prevent ourselves from making.

We may have an opinion at first about someone, but don't let that stop you from trying to find out what that person really is like.

Just put yourself in those shoes, someone looks you up and down, and jots a thought in their head and decided that you're not good enough for them?

I think us as human beings, need to look at both sides,

or maybe to be more realistic, all sides.

We need to dig deep into a person and find out about them before we can decided to let something spark.

i want a pet fish.

then i can tell it all my problems.

and it wont judge.

you laugh as i cry. i laugh at your ignorance.

i realised im so stress that i need a way to just relax,

and maybe the only way i can do that is to write.

so maybe from now on, everynight i'll write a short post on a topic.

though it might be retarded. at least i'll somehow feel better?

sticks and stones may break my bones.

but words will never hurt me.

lies.