I don't seem to be understanding math at all, like legitimately. I can get the basics okay but everything seems to be a blur and sea of confusion when I just can't seem to be able to solve a question. AND I HATE HOW IF I CAN'T SOLVE A QUESTION I DON'T LET MYSELF MOVE ON. P&C, Stats, Functions and whatever other nonsense that's supposed to be helping me score is a reason why my blood pressure seems to be increasing. It just leaves me more stressed and frustrated than before. Maybe that's why when I go home I don't want to do any work because I just want to escape for a while. Escape the reminder from my school work that I can't even handle something as simple as my own homework. Going to sleep every night knowing I might just have to freak out the next day over rushed work pisses me off but I like escaping, I'm just slightly more at ease.
Not only is school work killing me but hahaha sigh just 5 more days till the title of "Debater" can ever be used on me. It's been a difficult last couple of months. Ever since march it's just been a race to the finishing line and I know SA can do well. I think that's one reason why all of us are willing to give up so much and sacrifice. It really sucks to know everyone doesn't think much of you but you just know you're thousands of times better than what they make you out to be. But we'll prove them wrong right? We'll show them what hard work and faith can do, But then again, have we really been working hard when we're faced against the rest of them? Will we be good enough? Because fear starts to finger it's way up my spine again and I can feel it lurking around my shoulders and it's getting tiring having to hide them. Worst part is, I know most around me don't understand what's going on within our group. They don't understand the work nor do they understand the politics and I just wish I had someone to tell all of this and tell me it's alright. I just really wish I did. And yet everyone else is going through so much that I just don't want to stretch anybody else more than they are already experiencing.
Which brings me to the next case in point of how everything's so messed up. It seems like everyone is just suffering so much and as messed up as I feel I just wish there was some way for me to let everyone else feel better because it sucks being so damn useless. Useless friend right? I think that's why maybe all my friendships having been taking a turn for the worst. I don't know how to be there for anyone anymore, especially if they don't want me there. Hahaha, useless Dawson is useless.
Then there's the whole issue of what Zach told me he heard at Swensens. Haha only told Sarah so far. I've actually asked myself why I've only one person about what happened and I think I finally have an answer for myself: Im too ashamed about what happened because it couldn't be further away from the truth. Yep, no one ever considers me because of my size and yeah I mean it's the truth and I've got to accept it. But I'm just so pissed off with myself that no matter how hard I seem to try, nothing good is coming out. I can't change no matter how much I cut down, or how much I attempt to "exercise" like damn this stupid back injury. Burden of my soul and of my life. I can't wait to get out of this physical body, useless piece that can't achieve anything.
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