I'm just in a really shitty mood all of a sudden and I have no idea why but I suddenly can't help thinking that I'm just never going to be good enough for anything. Not good enough grades-wise, not good enough as a daughter/sister, not good enough as a friend and definitely not a good enough daughter of God.
It must be so nice to be wanted and loved and yknow, not in that BGR sorta way but even as a friend. And I think I'm just so pathetic because I never know how to be good enough that I can say all the right things and make someone feel better or help them with something or just go out of the way to make them happy. I mean. Sigh. I don't even know why I'm so fixated on this because loving someone isn't about you needing to be their source of happiness, right? Loving someone is just making sure they're happy and it shouldn't matter that I'm not the one putting a smile on your face. It shouldn't matter that you're happy because of him/her whatever. I should be happy because YOU are happy. Because that's what love is, that's the sacrificial and selfless love that God has shown me and that I want to show people.
And that just makes me pissed off and frustrated at myself even more because how can I ever compare to God's perfect love. How can I even begin to thank him for what he has done for me and I detest myself so often for the things I may think or do because what sort of respect and gratitude is that showing him?
At the same time, how can I hate myself knowing that I am a product of his? I am so confused and torn and I don't want to do lit anymore because I'm so muddled and focused on such irritating and useless ideas that shouldn't even be in my head. But I can't seem to get this out no matter what.
How could I have doubted everything he has in store for me knowing that it's all part of his perfect plan? I should be just angry at myself because everything I do is because of the choices I make. Me. I'm the one doing this to myself. Econs and lit were such jokes, like my time management is not even funny anymore and it was my choice, MINE, to not finish those essays and I'm suffering now. And I don't know what lesson is there to be learn on top of practice but urgh so much frustration right now I just asdfghjkl.
Screw everything man. I don't even think there's a focus to this post. But I think it just reflects how my brain is so muddled right now.
Sigh. I haven't even begun on thinking about you yet. Even though I may not say it as often as I used to, you're ALWAYS at the back of my thoughts. Gnawing away and always there when I drift away from what I'm focusing on.
No comments:
Post a Comment