Messed Up.

I honestly think that feeling messed up is so much more worse than feeling angry or depressed or frustrated.

When I feel messed up, I can never seem to pin point what is wrong with me. All you feel is like there's something wrong or something off about yourself and without knowing what EXACTLY is wrong, it isn't going to be easy solving the issue. I can't seem to understand why I'm feeling this way and I have no idea how I can make myself feel better.

I went out with animal farm (-marcus) and with the SHINee clique (-Si Ying & XX) and it definitely was fun. There were moments filled with crazy laughter and singing and recalling ridiculous memories and much teasing. I mean, it was so lovely to be in the company of people who I get along so easily with and with people who know me well. Yet...every time I was left to my thoughts, I found this dull ache starting to become more prominent.

The moment I left to go home, I was suddenly overwhelmed but idontevenknowwhattocall it. All I know is that I did not feel happy, I did not feel okay, I did not feel at peace. And it seems like nothing, absolutely NOTHING is making better. In fact, all this stress regarding school: whether I can do well, whether the horrors of As will repeat itself, whether I will find a good group of friends, whether I can be true to myself, whether I can get a room, whether I'll do myself proud etc etc is just making me sooooo much more on the edge and freaking out. Not to mention, I just spent the entire day worrying about the outreach meeting tomorrow and spent the last FOUR HOURS editing TWO pictures because I kept screwing up and having to start from scratch or I started realising that certain techniques were just not working. On top of all of this, that paranoia that people are irritated with me and pissed off keeps on fingering its way up my spine and I find myself so nervous and worried if I'm losing my support systems and the people that I care about most. GAH.

Weirdly enough, the tears seem to be there but can't come out. I wonder what this all means. So many confused thoughts at the moment, I'm struggling to string them into logical sentences. ARGH. I need to finish every thing up and go to bed man. Before I end up killing myself or before something else kills me.