so I get called petty, boring and a liar all in one conversation?
oh thanks.
guess this isn't a free world.
not even allowed to share my own thoughts.

you know what the biggest problem is?

you'll probably never say my name.

no wait, let me re-phrase that.

you'll probably never know my name.

and I don't know how to feel about that.

knowing that there's this huge probability that you will never come to even know me somehow doesn't seem to affect me. maybe it's because almost everyone I've felt this way about has that same probability causing me to become numb towards having that thought. I always seem to have this thought that there's this slim chance I might actually get the oppurtunity. But this time, this time it's different. I think I've never wanted something more. And knowing that there's that huge likelihood that nothing will happen, it makes me ache like I never have before. Yet, everyday I tell myself to push that thought to the back of my head because I don't know what's in store for me and the problem is, I'm not that excited about it.

I find it completely amusing how when we're in public, you guys can be smiling and talking nicely.
but the moment and I meant THE moment we stepped into the house,
you guys start fighting.
over what?
oh yeah, the dog.
I regret having one so bad,
not the dog in itself but the idea of a family dog.
you know something?
never in my entire life have I seen my father come home and greet me the way he greets Roo.
call me crazy, tell me I'm over reacting but honestly,
I was never fussed over like this.
ugh, this night just gets worse and to top it off?
the crying isn't gonna help me stinging eyes.

don't give me crap about how I don't care.
I'm the one that cares the most and I'm sick of you.
of this damn family that even fights when we're trying to pick a place to eat.
you make everything horrible for me,
I think you're maybe the only one who can make me feel this way.
get away.
I don't want to care anymore.

I'm done with sitting here and whining.
time to get cracking

so I failed three subjects.
honestly, I'm not very surprised.
serves me right for not sleeping early, for neglecting the subjects I found easier, for not starting till two weeks before.
called my mum, hoping for some form of encouragement.
what did I get?
oh yeah, obviously a scolding.
gotta say adios to my beloved laptop, to resonate, to going out and there's a possibility that my iPhone's going too.
sigh, and just as I thought maybe there's this slim chance I did it,
that I got what I wanted, then this comes along.
as if I weren't feeling crappy enough?
ugh.
but what do I do from here?
I so badly want to take the way out, but I can't.
whatever.
crying in the bus seems so pathetic and I feel hypocritical for doing it.

someone

please

enlighten

me.

why

can't

I

be

happy

tonight?

maybe if I don't expect so much from myself,

from you,

from others especailly,

maybe then I wouldn't feel so upset and pathetic when things don't go they way I want them to.

maybe then I wouldn't feel like I've got so much to live up to,

it'd be the easier way out that's for sure.

but it'd be the less painful one as well.

"Everyday I put on a mask which now suffocates me - the truth"

thank god for friends who care <3

Fact 2

okay so back to the explanation of my hundred facts.

2. I'd eat probably anything if it had cheese on it.

I always liked diary products as a kid (well I guess I'm still one now ). Anyway, I loved eating cheese sticks and I'd choose milk or water ANYDAY, I still do just because I feel that it has a certain....taste to it? I don't know, it's probably just me but I adore the taste. Same goes with stuff like yoghurt and ice cream(okay who doesn't love ice cream?). Plus, my parents were the kind who loved their cheese and wine so I loved things like edam and stilton dispite the weird mould that everyone hates just because it stinks. FYI, the smellier, the tastier ^^. HAHAHA but yeah and KFC cheese fries, cheeseburgers, I loved pretty much anything that had it. Did I mention, my school used to sell these awesome cheese sausaged and throughout my entire primary 4 year I had two EVERYDAY. kinda cool right? hahahah yeah now you understand my size but hey I love it. I even remember that once, because of my hatred for vegetables, my mum melted some cheese on top of some broccoli just so that I'd eat it and be able to get the fibre because I was having horrible constipation, LOL.

So yeah I guess that's my love of cheese? But to this day, I'd still pick a chilli cheese dog as the one food I'd have to eat for the rest of my life (:

imagine

The pain seized me, and I could almost feel my heart shatter as the words slipped out of your mouth.

The one person who I thought I could trust, was coldly turning away and stomping on me as though I had meant nothing.

I probably did, maybe I was lying to myself this whole time.

It was possible that I made it up in my head as a sort of comfort to myself that maybe someone actually cared.

We all do that, don't we?

We create scenarios and figments to make ourselves feel better, to escape the reality.

But as I felt my breath leave me, nothing I could think of would subside this.

at the end of the day we sigh and run our fingers through our hair.

wishing that we could do things over,

hoping that we could find the time to do things that make us happy,

praying that we could get more sleep,

but we just close our eyes and thank god for the lessons he taught us.

waking up with a fresh, new day to learn from the mistakes we made the one before,

appreciative of how we were given another chance.

you can't always get what you want

I think the reason why what we don't always get what we want, wish for, desire or dream about is purely because if we kept getting everything we asked for, nothing will no longer be cherished.

but can I have you? I promise I'll cherish you.

狗是比我更重要

this time, that time, every time.

Everytime we get together, we somehow get into a fight.

I don't know what causes it, it's natural for us I guess.

But I am soooooo sick of it.

All of us can't seem to go a single car ride without pissing someone off.

How is it possible that we do that?

It's times like these that I wish you were real to hold me and tell me that everything was gonna be okay. That I wouldn't have to worry, that you'd take care of me and that I wouldn't need to rely on them. You would come once you hear my shaking voice on the other side of the phone and you would pull me close and comfort me. But I know it's not possible, because you're a figment of my imagination and I can't have you no matter what. I'll try, I'll try my very best and give it my all to make you not just my alternate world or a dream but I'll make you become a reality. I want you to be real so badly it hurts and all I can think about is how much I wish it were real and as stupid as it is, you're my motivation to work hard. I'll put in the effort to make you real.

I know you, but I don't have a relationship with you and it kills me.

I missed top 20 by two points.
TWO.
isn't it great knowing that you're not good at anything?
I don't think I wanna DSA anymore.
might as well work hard and show I got some form of brains.

I love how things just can occur and it seems like all fall in place.

feeling all crappy i went to look at my favourite verse but came across this which fit my last post perfectly and has cheered me up tremendously:

When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet

- Proverbs 3:24

I know he'll protect me in my dreams, he'll let me rest in peace.

Sleeping is the only way to escape reality.
but i'm too scared to sleep.
im afraid that the thoughts i push to the back of my mind during the day,
ignite at night.
it'll become alive and then i realise that is the reality that i have to face.
that i'm not ready to face.
maybe this is why i've been trying to resist falling asleep.
but cried myself to sleep last night,
it felt so alone at 2 in the morning just thinking about so many things.
about all the problems i have lined up.
about my history paper today,
about the consequences of so many things.
sometimes i ask myself why don't i just permanently put myself to sleep.
but i know the reason.
we can't always let ourselves take the easy way out,
plus we were placed here for a purpose.
i wanna know what that purpose is.

The tears will roll
and the problems will go
but I promise never to leave your side

I see the way you hold her hand differently from everyone else's.
the way you look at her with genuine care while the others look bored or shy.
the way you protect her.
is it so wrong for me to want to be her?
to be able to say i have your number

but I will work hard for you.
I will work hard to get that degree, so that I can be that person standing next to you.
it may be pathetic, but hey.
I'll do it for you.

"I'm scared," she whispered, gripping his hand even tighter.
"Scared of what?" he asked, taking his free hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Of this, of my decisions, of my life, of the consequences, of everything," she chocked out, now turning to face him with tears begin to gather in her eyes. "No one said it was going to be this hard."
He chuckled, and took both his hands to cup her face, using the tips of his thumb to brush away the tears. "But never forget, I'm here with you the entire way," he said, staring straight into her eyes. Listening to what he had to say she smiled and lay her head against his chest, knowing it wouldn't be too tough if he were by her side.

I dream of us.

I wish.

I want to caress your face in between my hands,

I want to brush my fingertips across your eyelids,

I want to be able to run my fingers through your hair,

to swipe your lips with my thumb,

to hold your hand and squeeze it lightly,

to be able to be there for you when something happens,

to be your source of joy and comfort when you're tired.

it hurts to want so much and wish for something that you know might never come true.

well, a girl can dream. can't she?