Over-Thinking

I think I'm beginning to overthink wayyyyy too much. Like on several issues.

#1 - my grades.
Yeah, okay that will be majority of what I blog about until As are over so yeah, I apologise now haha. But anyway, sigh BT results are so shitty. Even though I didnt really study and deserve every grade I got, I didn't think it'd be that bad :/ SIGH. hahaha, but I guess it just shows that I'm not ready for J2 - I can't rely on study habits from J1 to lead me to the goals that I've set for myself. I've been thinking it about it so much subconsciously that I've begun to realise that when something in class doesn't interest me or if I'm tired, I begin to drift off and think about how bad everything is right now. I even dreamt that I got a U for Econs A Levels.... The last time I had a nightmare was before O's la. I just... I don't want this anymore. Do you know that famous triangle on Tumblr that talks about how you can only have two things in life: Either a social life, sleep or good grades? Well yeah that night at 2 in the morning as I was catching up with work, I immediately thought to myself "well I guess I know which two I picked" It sounds like a joke, but I'm really super frustrated with the truth behind that triangle. No one can ever have their cake and eat it too. I mean, I look at the people in debate who are damn smart and get super good grades without much friends and what not - and I think to myself, so I want that? Am I willing to give everything up for that? I've been questioning that a lot. Especially in the last two weeks :/ Sadly, I still don't know the answer yet. And I don't think I ever will. Got back 2 H2s already and I've gotten 2 Us. Someone please tell me how on earth I'm supposed to find time to study when I stay back everyday and my weekends are stripped from me because of tournaments....

#2 - Debate
This is like some battle I'm trying to fight man. I think it's one that I've been fighting for 4 years now. Things like competitions and tournaments just make me hate the thing I once used to love. I used to crave that adrenaline rush and anger when you're on the floor and you're winning - but I haven't felt that way again until last week at DCs. One good thing is that I've been speaking so much it's just numb now, like I don't ever get nervous I just rely on my own brains. But I'm still not up to performing at the level that I'd like to be at. I just saw the DC tabs yesterday and I guess... I'm definitely not happy with my speaker scores: 74 76 74... that's not what I wanted at all. I should be at least getting 75s at this point man. I SHOULD and I will. That talk Imran gave us that day really felt like a slap on the cheek. "I've never seen a group of Saints be so close to tasting success, don't screw it up" okay so well he didn't say screw, but you get the point. I want to taste success - I can feel it and I'm not gonna let it go. I just hope I can catch up with school work. still.

"Who is the opponent? He does not exist. Why does he not exist? He is a mere dissenting voice on the truth I speak"

#3 - Him.
Okay so yeah I don't even really know how I feel about him. But the more I learn about him, like how he's like as a person, I just seem to find him more and more interesting. Seeing him in school just makes me more nervous than I would feel when I spoke to M. We've only had like 3 proper conversations, but ever since I had that dream about him, he just keeps popping up in my mind more and more. The thing is, I DON'T WANT THAT. I wanted this year to be filled with focus and happiness, not having to try and find a new person to please or be worried about how this person is seeing me. That's why I forced myself to get over M during the holidays. I HAD to. I couldn't afford to be affected during class anymore, constantly wanting to sit in a corner and bawl because I was ignored. I think the worst part is that everyone is asking me to go for you and there are so many positive signs. I just... I'm confused GRRR. HAHHAA but yes. Sigh. May I be able to control my emotions over you soon.

I guess these are the three main things on my mind in the recent week? I know it took really long to blog about but yeah busy busy hehe. I do feel better though, letting all the worries out. I hope this week will be easier. Gonna get my act together and start working.