I want to immortalise this in words. I need to tell myself how scared I was, how angry I was. I want myself to remember how terrible the nightmares were and how uncomfortable I felt because I never want to have to do anything with him ever again.
2 years ago, it was infatuation. For once, I thought someone might like me as much as I like them. So many people told me how after I confessed, I would probably see myself as having a boyfriend. As I got ready to leave the house to mee him, I so clearly recall how nervous I was. Would he like my dress, my make-up? It was a happy-giddy sort of nervousness though. I was happy that I was going to get some closure because we were probably heading somewhere. All the nights of wondering why did he hug me and why did he hold my hand were going to end. I was going to understand where it all stemmed from.
But to hear the answer 7 months later...to know that I was merely a warm body, a back up plan...that broke me. To feel like I wasn't good enough for a yes. But I recovered. I told myself that the relationship, it if had evolved, wasn't going to do me any good. I knew that as soon as I got into, I would have probably done thing I'd later on come to regret because we all know how much I think with my heart instead of with my head. I also knew that it was not good being someone's second choice, because eventually, my heart would get broken when he moved on to bigger and better things - on his terms.
So I healed. I kept to my promise and told myself that I was not going to let myself be anyone's second best. I loved the way God loved and made sure that if people didn't reciprocate, that was okay because I loved for different intentions. It was okay not being people's friends as so long as I tried MY best. But we kept getting into fights. Fights because you got overprotective. You wanted me on a leash, right? To have control over my thoughts and make sure that I was somehow still a potential option for you if you wanted it.
Fast forward present day. We're back in the same scenario. We were supposed to be friends and we got close again, but here I am back being the warm body you need. Don't give me shit excuses that you were sleep talking or ignoring the fact that you touched me in front of 7 other people. I will never again let someone who I don't like touch me in a manner that makes me feel uncomfortable, that makes me feel dirty. Unclean. Never will I let someone manipulate my previous feelings for them and let them get close, to try and take advantage of old situations. Never will I let someone haunt my every thought and feel like I was in fear living in my own room, a place that was supposed to let me feel safe. I don't want to forget how terrorising it was to wake up in the middle of the night (or morning lol), thinking someone was trying to come into my room. I don't want to close my eyes and see you staring at me, the same way you looked at me as you continued to touch me while I told you to stop. I will not let it happen again.
//And my biggest takeaway from all this? That I'm so so so blessed to have so many people who were willing to protect me, to support me, love me and encourage me throughout the process. I will never forget the kindness and love of these people as well.
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