What am I waiting for?

And on nights like this my heart feels so heavy and empty at the same time. Longing so much for something it doesn't have and maybe can never have. 

I thought I was okay with all of this. I thought there was finally some peace in mind and my heart that I was going to be completely fine with the way things are now. 

But no. I am so terrified and sick of waiting. I look at the people around me, some of the CLOSEST people around me and I look at strangers and fictional characters in book and I want to be able to experience what they feel. 

And yet. Something tells me that all this waiting will be worth it and that there's so much more to life than this. I should be happy with what I've got. I've been blessed with so much love and comfort, why can't I be contented with that at the moment? Why? WHY? 

Why do I choose worldy things to base my happiness on? How selfish and stupid can I possibly get? 

Gosh, it was such a bad idea to watch The Notebook. 

Why did you give me all these everyday items to use? WHY? All it does is serve as reminders of you. I don't need to be reminded of you if you're already in the back of my head every damn second. I DONT NEED THIS.