I want to immortalise this in words. I need to tell myself how scared I was, how angry I was. I want myself to remember how terrible the nightmares were and how uncomfortable I felt because I never want to have to do anything with him ever again.

2 years ago, it was infatuation. For once, I thought someone might like me as much as I like them. So many people told me how after I confessed, I would probably see myself as having a boyfriend. As I got ready to leave the house to mee him, I so clearly recall how nervous I was. Would he like my dress, my make-up? It was a happy-giddy sort of nervousness though. I was happy that I was going to get some closure because we were probably heading somewhere. All the nights of wondering why did he hug me and why did he hold my hand were going to end. I was going to understand where it all stemmed from.

But to hear the answer 7 months later...to know that I was merely a warm body, a back up plan...that broke me. To feel like I wasn't good enough for a yes. But I recovered. I told myself that the relationship, it if had evolved, wasn't going to do me any good. I knew that as soon as I got into, I would have probably done thing I'd later on come to regret because we all know how much I think with my heart instead of with my head. I also knew that it was not good being someone's second choice, because eventually, my heart would get broken when he moved on to bigger and better things - on his terms.

So I healed. I kept to my promise and told myself that I was not going to let myself be anyone's second best. I loved the way God loved and made sure that if people didn't reciprocate, that was okay because I loved for different intentions. It was okay not being people's friends as so long as I tried MY best. But we kept getting into fights. Fights because you got overprotective. You wanted me on a leash, right? To have control over my thoughts and make sure that I was somehow still a potential option for you if you wanted it.

Fast forward present day. We're back in the same scenario. We were supposed to be friends and we got close again, but here I am back being the warm body you need. Don't give me shit excuses that you were sleep talking or ignoring the fact that you touched me in front of 7 other people. I will never again let someone who I don't like touch me in a manner that makes me feel uncomfortable, that makes me feel dirty. Unclean. Never will I let someone manipulate my previous feelings for them and let them get close, to try and take advantage of old situations. Never will I let someone haunt my every thought and feel like I was in fear living in my own room, a place that was supposed to let me feel safe. I don't want to forget how terrorising it was to wake up in the middle of the night (or morning lol), thinking someone was trying to come into my room. I don't want to close my eyes and see you staring at me, the same way you looked at me as you continued to touch me while I told you to stop. I will not let it happen again.

//And my biggest takeaway from all this? That I'm so so so blessed to have so many people who were willing to protect me, to support me, love me and encourage me throughout the process. I will never forget the kindness and love of these people as well.

And today my heart aches from completely different reasons.

//Were you really trying? Did you? If so, why did you stop?

It scares me to think that you wanted to ask me for Night Cycling and that you still said those words.

"I'm really glad you're here, Am. I want you to know that"

My mind's so boggled. So confused. So unsure of what I mean to you.

But I must remind myself that you are but a mere individual and that it shouldn't matter that much to me.

But I miss you. I miss us. Just walking along hallways at 5 in the morning and wondering about life and of the dreams we'd get to fulfil and the adventures we chase.

I hate thinking of all the what could have beens, how scary must that be.

//"Yep, Am and I are still talking." Really? 10 weeks counts as still talking?

Sigh, what am I to do now.

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters a table leg breaks or when a picture falls off the wall it makes a noise. But as for your heart when that breaks it s completely silent. You would think as it s so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some ... Read Moresort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise it s internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That s what it looks like and that s what it sounds like a trashing panicking trapped great big beast roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that s the thing about love no one is untouchable."

And my heart aches. It aches for all the errors I've made and all the stresses I've created because how foolish can I be? Small mistakes they may be but mistakes all the same. I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I'm sorry that you always have to take the blame. I'm sorry that I always can't protect you from people who make us feel small and little and with no skills at all. I'm sorry that we can't fight against her. I'm sorry that we can't win. I'm sorry for letting you time and time again. I'm sorry for being the reason that we can't win. I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry.

Exhausted

"When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need."

Going. Gone. 

"Many foolish young girls out there will perceive care and concern as love and that is their greatest mistakes. Many don't realise that there are so many guys willing to be their knights in shining armour to feed their egos but at the same time, no one is willing to pick up slack."

And I'm so so grateful that you care but now it's time to realise that it wasn't in the way I thought or maybe wanted it to be and for that, I am also very grateful.

Blah - like my soul.

I will never be able to understand how something that can give a person so much joy, be so wrong at the same time. But I will learn that that is how life is and that misunderstandings happen and that sometimes we have to just realise that our version of happiness and God's version of happiness have two very different definitions.

On another note, have never missed old friends so much and finding comfort in strangers is nice, but terrifying. It's funny how you find friends in the people you'd least expect and yet it's a good feeling.

But then again, who's approval am I seeking here?

Don't make sense blahblahblah I want to sleep it's 4:20am omg sobbles. SOB SOB SOB. I feel like I'm 16 again.

When will I think like a 20 year old - probably when I'm 42 hor. Okay, back to studying? Sleep? Who knows. Who knows.

Maybe more like back to worrying about miscommunications and the crazy workload that doesn't make sense.

When you're overwhelmed and stress, you're supposed to give things up right?

Maybe I'm giving up all the wrong things.